NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Rambo Rambow
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one