*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
You Might Also Like
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Jesus Christ lmao
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.