NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car