NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’