NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
This might be me.
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
adam and eve had first world problems
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU