[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
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There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.