Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
You Might Also Like
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
is this meant to deter me
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.