[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I hope Alan is OK
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?