NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
getting corrected
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear