NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The two types of wives
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
my favorite genre of twitter
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby