NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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you gotta be faster
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.