NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do