NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”