NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero


I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.


[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?


Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.


A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.


“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies


Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.


If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me


I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.


Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.