@ericsshadow

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

@jackiembouvier

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@RunwayDan

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

@blueeyesgreene

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

@TravLeBlanc

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

@noog

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

@ACartoonCat

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

@HannahAntics

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.