Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.