NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot