Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed