Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating