Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I am, perchance
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.