Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
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Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”