Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.