Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.