Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Still my favourite meme.
Taliband
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
How do you milk an almond?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.