NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.