[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
what’s more important?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?