Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
superman landing like a plane on his belly
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*