@RuthePhoenix Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
@LeonEarlgrey Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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@RuthePhoenix 
@SonOfCha Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
@JimmerThatisAll If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
@Shade510 (home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
@heymonroe Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
@weinerdog4life Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
@thetobbie The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
@StatusInBeirut If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
@ninjadinosaur1 Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.