Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.