“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
You Might Also Like
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks