Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
That lamp looks PISSED.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly