Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.


Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year


Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”


No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.


I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.


Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.


Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster


“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?


“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day


My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move