Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Wednesday
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
kids play hide and seek like
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
🍞🦆
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
this is uni
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY