Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.