Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me trying to reach for my goals