@BucMarvin Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
@VaguelyFunnyDan Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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@BucMarvin 
@behindyourback it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
@stanleybehrman If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
@Marlebean Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
@HelmdawgE Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
@boring_as_heck I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
@fro_vo just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
@AntiJokeCat Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
@Beakmoo Morning.
@peachesanscream To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.