Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

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Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!


it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting


If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…


Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!


I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game


just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real


To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.