need him
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.