Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.