NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Aight bet
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Battery falling down a hole
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.