Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: