Need this in my life lol
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.