need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?