Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Autocorrect completely socks
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Jury: We’re hung
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!