@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

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@heatherjs

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

@thepunningman

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

@JJSummertime

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

@mugkip

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

@T_Bonezzz_

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

@champagngetaway

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

@mjkspeaks

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

@GeorgiaSweet20

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

@KattsDogma

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!