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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin