Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking