Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes