Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, this is exactly right

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

I self medicate, therefore you live.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.