“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕