@Whitnuts

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

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@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@AndyJokedAgain

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

@OakHill_

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

@crocodilethumbs

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

@djdarrellripley

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

@kimtopher22

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.