Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.


man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem


If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo


Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.


Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*


Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!


I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.