Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
bears
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”