Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want