Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
You Might Also Like
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
🙋♀️
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I falcon love using swear birds
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.