Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.