neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
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Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead