Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.