Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
is this a threat
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog