Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Who chose this font
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.