Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.